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Archive for January, 2010

Not the end.

Some time ago – not long after my last post, actually – I made a decision to get my act together and stop wallowing. I went back to studying German and applying for jobs. I finished and submitted my last paper. The women at my cancer support group emphasized the importance of getting back to one’s routine after cancer – this was not an option for me. They talked about the importance of living life to the fullest – but I didn’t feel that I had any life left. The things that used to define my life were back in Indiana, and there is no going back to them.

The group moderator suggested I talk to a social worker who specializes in helping women who have had breast cancer. “I have no life any more,” I told the social worker. “But you do,” she pointed out. “You have friends, even if they aren’t here. You have your family. You have a paper to write and studying to do.” So even though God knows it’s not enough, I’m trying to focus on that.

In the last few weeks I have applied for jobs as a receptionist, a hotel desk clerk, a restroom attendant, a classroom assistant, among other things. At the moment, I am working on document review at my mother’s law firm, going through hundreds of thousands of emails looking for material pertaining to the case amid the Monica Lewinsky forwards and alarmingly personal notes. It’s very boring but it’s better than nothing. All of this is better than nothing. And it seems like those really are the options.

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