Two years into a doctorate program, and I’m wondering a lot lately if this is really where I need to be. Grad school has, so far, completely failed to live up to my expectations. There’s nothing I love more than the brain-on-fire feeling of getting a really good idea and trying to make it work. In college, I used to be so excited by the things I read that I couldn’t sit still to read them and had to blow off steam by running laps around my house. I spent hours each day working on my thesis, grinding out words and sentences, puzzling things out. I used to get so worked up about it I would cry from frustration.
That doesn’t happen any more. I haven’t written anything exciting in my two years here, I haven’t made intellectual connections the way I did in college, I don’t stay up all night talking about math and philosophy and language. I have started to tune out when my colleagues talk about philosophy. There have been times when my classes felt so stupid and pointless it was all I could do not to get up and leave. There were times this semester when I could barely bring myself to show up.
It’s clear that, at the very least, Indiana was not the right program for me. My colleagues are fantastic, and I’ll miss them like crazy, but there’s no doubt in my mind that if I stayed here I would not make it through. I applied to transfer, and was accepted at CUNY, where Graham Priest teaches. I have wanted to work with Priest for years – he is friends with my college adviser, and I find his work compelling. Unfortunately my time at Indiana has burned me out, and I am nowhere near as excited as I should be about CUNY.
There are an awful lot of practical disadvantages to academia. I don’t care too much about earning lots of money; I imagine if I go to CUNY I’ll eventually get a job that will allow me to support myself, and I’m thrifty enough that I live very comfortably on a grad student stipend, so I’m not too bothered about eventually earning hundreds of thousands a year. This may change as I get older. What currently concerns me much more are that academics can’t choose where they live (and are often forced to live very far from their spouses, especially if both are academics) and they can never really go home. By which I mean that academia is all-consuming – you never get to leave your work at work, you never get to take vacations, you’re supposed to be working all the time. Grad school is like this too – whenever we’re not working, we feel as though we ought to be. This is not my style – I like to work hard and then stop and do something else wholeheartedly. I’m sure a lot of academics do this in practice, but the idea that they shouldn’t is pervasive; it’s like we’re taking Holy Orders, and frankly I think it’s ridiculous.
Anyway, because of my cancer, I was obliged to defer my admission to CUNY. I’m taking this year off, a grim prospect. My fall semester will be spent in my parents’ house, having surgery and (probably) radiation. And after that I don’t know where I’ll go or what I will do. I have until April to decide whether to give philosophy another shot. In the meantime, I’m keeping an open mind. I have a bachelor’s in Logic from a very good college. I’m trying to find out whether I can get my Master’s from Indiana – I might just have to pass a German test, we’ll see.
Not only am I less excited about (and possibly not as good at) philosophy as I had hoped, I also have a distinct feeling that it’s not a very useful thing to do. It’s important to teach, and I think learning logic is good for people, but I highly doubt it’s the most helpful thing I could do. And I don’t mean that I could become an ER doctor or a teacher in an inner-city middle school or anything like that, because I would be terrible at those jobs. I mean that the actual skills, education, and personality I have in real life could potentially be turned to other ends. I don’t know what.
So I’m thinking a lot about what I’m good at, what I care about, what I enjoy. (I care about not ending clauses with prepositions, but sometimes it’s awkward not to.) None of it seems to add up to anything yet. But it’s really exciting (at best, scary and depressing at worst) to not have a plan for once. I’m leaving myself open to the possibility that the next few months will lead me somewhere I can’t forsee.
The celebrant in today’s mass would agree with you. He spoke about hos it is important, reagardless of where our God-given talents lay, to use them and to be the best self we can be. Being able to keep body and soul together is important, but all too often society today places too much emphasis on money, not on what truly matters.
(Imagine we are sitting by a campfire. I am holding a flashlight under my chin.)
“I know a lot of people who could have written essays like this. I met them… in law school!”
This is possibly the first time in your life that you have experienced a derailment from your usual carefully thought-out plan. Naturally it’s a beaut– why do it half-way? Stay strong, and keep rested. And have some Quaker Cheese things.
Knowing what you don’t want is a good step towards finding what it is you do want. It would be great if you could come away from Indiana with your Masters as it would provide you with more options but options will abound in any event. Things really do have a way of working out and this will as well.
From my end of the telescope, I can tell you you have tons of time to see where you want to go and where you may be surprised to find you are going or have gone.
Being a very thoughtful woman, I suspect this “time out” you are being forced to take will be -you should excuse the expression”- a blessing.
I advise going with the flow for now…and eat cheese thingies, too.
This isn’t unlike my own post-graduate experience. Everyone I went to Michigan with dropped out after the first year or went on to their PhD, except me. I finished the Masters – squeaking through the language test (Latin – which, by the way, is why someone once thought it would be a good rule to require that sentences not end in a preposition, or, anyway, that’s where I ascribe the blame, and you now have a modern dispensation from the rule) – and went home. I thought I had a plan for what next, and look how things turned out. Not so much the Australia part, but the rest: Not only do I work in I.T., I have a specialism, and I even get respect. (Fools!) I don’t want to suggest that the “right thing will find you,” because that’s not exactly true, but you will find yourself in places with people doing things that you will recognize as right. The only people that doesn’t happen for are the ones who get tattoos above their collarbone, thereby locking themselves into bad Rock ‘n’ Roll or a life of trailerpark crime. I think you’ve already got those beat.
You are a smart girl, and you will find your path.
I had a similar experience in that graduate school was nothing like the passionate philosophical blossoming of my undergraduate career.
I also agree with you that beyong teaching, philosophy isn’t a very useful thing to do. The problem is, it’s difficult to find people outside of philosophy who can “speak the language” and with whom we can relate to in this very specific, very satisfying way. That’s negative, but the positive thing is that this can be a learning experience as we figure out how to relate to others in other ways.
I certainly haven’t found where I’m supposed to land, but I knew where I didn’t belong- graduate school. I’m glad that you’re excited to not have a plan, even though that is scary. I have no doubt that you will succeed no matter what future you choose. Horray for the frightening future!
ahem. ‘beyong’ = ‘beyond’
See, I would dispute the notion that “beyond teaching, philosophy isn’t a very useful thing to do”. Of course, part of why I would dispute it is that disputing things is part of what I do, but moving beyond that it seems to me that critical thinking skills are extremely important. I’m reminded of “Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman!” as I write this– acquiring specialized knowledge is enjoyable, but it’s the most enjoyable when it is a means to an end, rather than an end unto itself.
It also seems to me that you are painting an unnecessarily bleak picture of what life in the academy is like. Although there are certainly exceptions, for the most part colleges and universities are in very desirable places to live. It is a far more portable profession than my own, and the opportunities to do and explore other things are better than in any other job I can think of. That’s no argument for doing it if you don’t want to– if you love your work you will never work is quite true, but the opposite– if you hate your work you aren’t necessarily doomed to a Purgatory of drudgery, but you may be flirting with it.
Academia is portable in the same way that the armed forces are portable. If I am offered one job after applying to hundreds of places, I will take it and be lucky to have it, no matter where it is. Lawyers can choose where they wish to live and plan accordingly, by going to law school there or, later on, taking the bar exam. Academics just hope for the best.
Well, except for being licensed. Which is a big production. And for what I do it’s tricky to get the lay of the land in a new place. I see what you mean, but it is still not all that different from any other career.
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to figure out a life plan right know. It took me 2 years and 2 crappy jobs (should I put that on your Visa or Mastercard this evening, sir?) to decide to go back to school–but I’m really glad it did that way. Try instead to think of it as little goals:
I hope you go to Shakespeare in the Park at least once this summer when you are home.
I hope that in the next year you find yourself in New Orleans to visit.
And, as your Dad once suggested to me when I complained I was bored, I hope you learn to perfect the souffle. I was promised by Bill it is tricky, but will ultimately prove useful although I’m not sure where. (And, sadly Bill, I have still not tried it.)
Through little things you’ll find your way. I have no doubt.
Miss you. –Sarah
Man, I am just a fountainhead of great advice. The nice thing about the souffle is that it is so adaptable. It can be a sweet or a savory, and it’s a good way to stretch ingredients even though it is a fancy dish.
Nice to see that although you haven’t taken me up on my advice yet you are yourself dispensing worthwhile suggestions.
Hey – ! – you changed your header! Bring back the sexy knee! The bow on the bald head is an even worse look for grown up girls than it is for hairless baby girls.
Sorry, I find it hilarious. Sometimes I wear the bow around the house for my own amusement.
No no no. I really like the new header. Please keep it! It’s very appropriate and it matches your sense of humor just right.
Also- I understand some of your sentiment about your graduate experience. If my program was longer than 2 years, I think I would have struggled to stick with it…. it was so different from my Smith experience and I didn’t find it as challenging or brilliant as I thought it would. Nor did I find the faculty to be as supportive and shining as they seemed when I was a prospective student.
I have also battled with the deep thoughts surrounding the PhD and a life in academia….what it means for location, family, etc. All I can say is that you (we) are young… there are many things to accomplish, whether a PhD is among them or not. And if you really do wish to join the ranks of professors, you don’t always *have* to go the PhD route. There are plenty of smaller colleges that would love you and your brilliant mind.
I think a year off will be good. Twiddle your thumbs. Read lots of things for pleasure. You are learning and growing in tremendous ways as you go through Cancer: the Musical! so it’s not really a “year off” any way…
I’m with Claudia. Back to sexy knee, please. Or, how about a graceful, manicured hand or foot? It’s a lovely pampered feeling you deserve anyway and I’ll spring for it.
No, thank you, Grandma.
I say build a library of images to rotate through, but I like the bow, for now.
I like Uncle Greg;s suggestion, Why didn’t you put in that option on yout poll?